31 December 2008

This entry is rated S for Stupid

Okay. Two things that are vaguely related.

I’m sick of seeing fanfics uploaded that are dedicated entirely to shoving as much blood and gore as one possibly can into little 300-word chapters. I’m tired of stories that go out of their way to kill characters just because it’s “edgy” and “dark”. I’m fucking sick of seeing mediocre summaries that end with “RATED M FOR BLOOD AND GORE!” as though they really think that’s going to get anyone to read it.
What are you, ten?
Well, actually, you probably are ten if you’re doing that.
So if you’re ten and writing pointless gore stories, do us all a favor and never upload them anywhere ever. PLEASE.

It irks me when I see summaries that say that the rating “may go up”. Look, if you’re doing this right then you should already have an idea of where your story is going to go. Give the story a rating based on what will happen through the entire story and NOT based on the first chapter. If the story becomes more mature or whatever and you hadn’t planned it originally, then change the rating when that’s appropriate. Just please, I don’t see the point in advertising the fact that MAAAAAYBE the rating might change! What, do you think that’s all that interesting? Funfact: it isn’t. The only purpose I can think that this might serve is to attract the attention of the aforementioned violence-craving ten-year-olds, who wouldn’t otherwise read a story with a measly K+ rating.
Who are you kidding? Do you really WANT those sorts of people reading your fics? You KNOW they only leave one-word reviews, if they ever review at all. Don’t try to appease them.
Rate according to your planned story! Change the rating if things don’t go according to plan, because gods know that these things grow a mind of their own. Don’t waste precious space on your summary fretting over the rating when you could be giving me a better idea of what your story is about instead.

29 December 2008

Etc, etc, etc...

Okay, okay, listen closely because this really drives me up the wall.

“Ect” does not mean what you think it means.
Go on. Load up Dictionary.com and type in “ECT”.
For convenience, I’ll copypasta it here for you:

abbr. electroconvulsive therapy

So tell me, what exactly are you trying to say when you say things like “I went to the store and bought lettuce, crackers, ect.”?

The abbreviation you are looking for is ”etc.” Okay? E-T-C. Not “ect”. It’s an abbreviation, not a word, so that period there is important. I know it’s hard to pronounce on its own but honestly if you’re trying to pronounce just those three letters then you are doing it wrong.
It’s Latin, okay?! It’s short for “et cetera”, which means “and the rest”. You use it when you don’t feel like listing a billion things, so you just say a couple things and end the list with “etc.” Alright?
Can we stop saying “ect” now, please?

26 December 2008

There's too many of them besides.

Hey, hey.
Can we all agree to stop writing “novelizations” of games/shows/movies and then posting them on FFN?
Look, it’s just one more of those things that people do when they want to write a fic but have no ideas. It’s even lazier in that, for the most part, you don’t even have to write your own dialogue since it’s all there, written for you!
It just screams “I am a lazy fuck who would rather tell you a story you already know than try to be original”.
So stop it already.

24 December 2008

Christmastime ranting, ho ho ho~

Look here, guys, this is called a fourth wall.
It’s invisible! To us, anyway. It’s the wall through which we are able to see into the characters’ world. The characters in a story, by contrast, can see the fourth wall, and therefore cannot see us as we watch them.
Can the fourth wall be broken or removed altogether? Yes. Should it be taken lightly? No.
Fourth-wall breaking is reserved for comedy. Characters in a serious drama probably should not acknowledge the reader unless they are a narrator, and even then they shouldn’t acknowledge the fact that they’re fictional, in a fanfic, what have you.
Also, it’s really not okay to go on for several chapters with no fourth-wall breaking, then suddenly break it only to say “This is what other fanfic writers do in their fics, but I’m doing this other thing because I’m different” or to say something about how you know what’s going to happen next but the reader doesn’t and you’re not telling, hee hee hee.
Seriously, SERIOUSLY?
Not only have you just reminded me that your story is a fanfic and therefore smashed my suspense of disbelief in a spectacular fashion, but you also proved to me that you have NO FAITH in me, the reader, to acknowledge that what you’ve just done is slightly original.
Guys, don’t do this! God, I’m so pissed I am half-tempted to just post a link to the offending fic… ugh… but that’s petty. Just, please, guys, don’t do this.

22 December 2008

Also stop posting each chapter as a separate story, it's dumb.

Some tidbits for those of you posting on Fanfiction.net:

- If your story’s summary is misspelled and incoherent, I will not read it. After all, the story proper probably won’t be much better.

- If you threaten not to post any new chapters until you get reviews, I will not review. This is so immature it hurts. Art shouldn’t be about getting attention. Granted, fanfiction isn’t exactly high art (whatever that may be), but in the end you should always be writing for yourself. Attention is nice, but if it’s all you’re thinking about then there is something wrong.

- If, in the summary, you only say “This is my first/second/fiftieth story” and don’t tell me what the story is about, I will not read it. If you can’t be bothered to use the summary feature to actually give me a summary, then what can I really expect from you?

- If your story is a fanfic but your summary mentions all OCs and no canon characters, I will not read it. I’m here to read fanfiction, not original fiction with Goombas in it.

- If your story’s title steals a title or lyric from Evanescence or Linkin Park I will not read it. I don’t really care about using song lyrics as titles otherwise, since I do it too because coming up with titles is hard. But I promise you that if you use anything from those two bands, (a) you probably have the same title as about a hundred other fics and (b) statistically speaking, fics that use lyrics or titles from those two bands are godawful and therefore not worth reading. To date I’ve only found maybe one or two exceptions to this out of hundreds that I’ve seen.

- As a corollary to the previous, you absolutely must NOT title any story “My Immortal”.

- If your story is a fanfic and your summary starts with “A new girl comes to…”, I will not read it. Unless the new girl is a canon character, then I might. But that rarely seems to be the case.

- Saying, over and over, “NO FLAMES PLZ” makes me want to flame you so badly it hurts. Here’s an idea: stop caring so damn much. And like I’ve said in a previous post, a lot of what some kids call “flames” is actually constructive criticism. Get over yourself. If you put your work on the internet, you will attract both good and bad attention. This is normal and should be expected. Live with it.

That will be all.

19 December 2008

But Lufia 1 is still awesome, I don't care.

Hey guys hey guys
Guess what?
Amnesia has been done to death!
No really.

I’m no scientist, so if you want any real information I recommend you start at this wiki page and continue from there.
What I’m here to say is that amnesia is NOT that common, most people do NOT know how to write it accurately, and honestly I’m sick of it. It’s just a cheap device that people only use because, you know, it was on sale and they would’ve had to drive to that other store to buy a better plot device anyway.

So, for the love of God, please just stop with the amnesia.

17 December 2008

I'm too lazy to think of a title though, hahaha.

Ugh… two minutes doing research on FFN and already I want to kill, kill…

Okay, what the fuck is you guys’ problem, you are all so lazy, what the fuck.
I keep clicking on fics where, say, you’re introducing an OC, whatever, and instead of describing her in the story and letting us get to know her gradually, you just give us, at the beginning before the story even starts, her name, age, history, social security… what have you.
I just skip this, and so will most of your other readers.
You just jump in the story, introduce them when it’s appropriate, and slowly sneak in the important information. I know it takes more effort, yes. I know it can sometimes be hard. But when you do things like this lazily, we WILL notice.
Same with settings. I keep seeing fics that do a scene break and, right up, say “SCENE: SCHOOL, NIGHT”

No! No no no!
Do your scene break! Put your dashes or apostrophes or whatever! But don’t give us any more information—just jump into the scene! DESCRIBE the location, the time of day, what have you, so we can visualize it beyond what two vague words gives us. Okay? Can we agree to do this, please?

15 December 2008

Couplets wut

Guys guys you are not fit to write poetry, all of you!

Fanfiction poetry is the worst, because people actually read that shit, but the same problems are in regular poetry too.
Let’s make this simple, okay?!
Look, look, that rhyming scheme is called a Clerihew and it is for comedy. Okay? So when I see things like
I stand out in the rain
thinking about all this pain
why does this happen to me
I hang the noose on a tree”

I just sit there waiting for a punchline.

I know that it’s not always for comedy (Couplets, which are similar, were used by Chaucer after all…) but mostly it is. Especially the aa-bb-a scheme, which is for LIMERICKS, okay, get it right.
On another note, angsty poetry is annoying anyway. NO ONE WANTS TO READ IT. Get over yourself, learn that everyone has hormones, your parents are not evil for forbidding you from wearing black lipstick, and focus on much better topics.
Also, dammit, if you’re going to rhyme, you need to understand rhythm too. Oh, and flow. And what actually constitutes a rhyme anyway.
And yes, poetry doesn’t have to rhyme. No, that doesn’t mean you can write any bullshit and call it poetry.

It’s sad that I can find these mistakes since I’m not even a poetry person. Do I ever write poetry? Nope! How do I know this stuff and you so-called poets don’t? Jeez!
Maybe there needs to be a “no poetry until after puberty” rule.


07 December 2008

Emo post

Uguuu, I know, I haven't updated in forever.
Basically, school's eaten my life. I've barely had time for anything I want to do. Even EvilFTW has been put on the back burner, which makes me sad because it's my baby TToTT
Well, whining aside, this coming week is exams week and then after that is Christmas break. Once I'm on break I'm gonna go read some fanfiction, get myself good and angry, and then start writing new posts.

In the meantime, here's a very small rant:

Stop putting dialogue in block quotes! Really, really, why?! THAT IS NOT WHAT BLOCK QUOTES ARE FOR. Stop it! It's dumb and bad.