tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-77057415748237389782024-03-13T08:27:20.183-04:00grammarWTFThis is an angry blog.
Here is where I come to vent my frustrations after I've spent too much time reading threads on Gaia or bad fanfiction.
There's only so much poor English usage that I can stand.Selan Pikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914020501201953571noreply@blogger.comBlogger39125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7705741574823738978.post-66918527494053752152011-02-17T20:55:00.000-05:002011-02-17T21:01:34.472-05:00It's also called Character Development.Continuing on from last post…<br />If tension is what drives your story, then the fuel is <i>change</i>.<br />… FUCK guys I don’t even—everything changes, EVERYTHING, EVER, IN THE WORLD. Do you not understand this? <br />Well no, I mean, most of you beginners are like twelve and you’re too young to notice how much things change, I mean…<br />No wait, what am I saying, JUST LOOK AT YOURSELVES. Idiots. Have you not changed since you were a child? And for those of you who actually ARE twelve, you’ll notice that that wasn’t all that long ago.<br />Things change. People change. Even the mountains, even the sky, even if you can’t notice it. Always.<br /><br />So why the HELL do I keep seeing shitty stories where all sorts of shit happens—stuff blows up, characters die, mass genocide—and at the end, the main character is the same damn person he was at the beginning? He’s no wiser, no more or less jaded, nothing.<br />Fuck, how does that even happen?<br /><br />When you write, you are documenting a CHANGE. Maybe even a shit ton of changes.<br />Let’s look at an example: Sailor Moon.<br />“But wait,” you might say, “Sailor Moon may be TOTES AWESOME, but it’s not a good example, is it? After all, it’s all about the sloppy writing and static characters.”<br />It kind of is. But Usagi, the main character, changes a lot over the series. It goes something like this:<br /><br />Wimp ==> Whiny warrior who beats the bad guys but still wishes for a normal life ==> Brave warrior who realizes how great her powers are because they mean she can protect her peeps ==> FUCKING MESSIAH kind of ==> Ass-kicking peacemaker who realizes the futility of war, decides that violence won’t save her problems, and saves the universe with love.<br /><br />It’s even more pronounced when you actually watch it. Especially in the manga.<br /><br />Now, if a fluffy kids show can manage some friggin’ character development, WHY CAN’T YOU?<br /><br />The things that happen, the people they meet, their own actions—these things all change a person. Sometimes it’s for better, sometimes for worse. Sometimes it’s neither better nor worse, simply different. Either way, they’ve got to change. <br /><br />This is mandatory for a protagonist (That’s what makes them a protagonist), but don’t forget that other characters can change too! Of course, there’s no way every character is going to change much—that could pull too much attention away from the focus of the story, after al—but try to do as well as you can.Selan Pikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914020501201953571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7705741574823738978.post-46764495521129853212011-02-16T17:47:00.001-05:002011-02-16T17:48:48.002-05:00Doing laundry probably doesn't count as acute tension either.Guys guys guys let’s talk TECHNIQUE today.<br />(I know it’s been forever since my last post, shut up)<br />I want to introduce you to the idea of tension.<br />I don’t mean like, aww man, they’re doing some sports game and the timer’s out and can they get the last goal?<br />Actually, nevermind, that works pretty well.<br />But what I mean is that your story is fueled by tension. Something has to be at stake, something’s amiss, the reader needs to feel like this needs to be rectified. The story has to move along, and it’s tension that drives it.<br />That much is obvious. You knew that.<br /><br />The thing that we need to talk about is types of tension. You see, there are two:<br /><br /><b>Acute Tension</b><br />This is probably the first sort you thought of (unless you’re an angst writer, we’ll get to that in a moment). This is something that’s happening right now, it’s got action and stuff happening and all that. Using the example, this is the sports game. Can they win it?<br /><br /><b>Chronic Tension</b><br />This is the subtler type of tension. Like the name implies, this is the tension that, chances are, have been going on for a long time—maybe even before your story began. These are the worries that eat away at your character’s mind, the mental blocks that keep him from kicking that winning sports goal (Can we tell I’m talking out of my ass with the sports? Write what you know, kids!). Is he pining over his lost love? Does he have daddy issues? Is he convinced he’s a total loser and subconsciously sabotaging himself? That sort of thing.<br /><br />Every story needs BOTH of these in appropriate amounts. Acute tension is what keeps the story moving and keeps it from being boring, and chronic tension is what allows us to connect with the characters and relate to them. An imbalance in either leads to certain disaster. <br />Without enough chronic tension, the story is just a shallow string of events that the reader has no investment or interest in. Maybe he’ll be interested in what happens next, but he won’t bat an eye when you kill off that beloved love interest. This is a common pitfall of first-time writers and people who watch too many bad action movies.<br />Without enough acute tension, your story just sits there. Remember what I was saying about angst writers? This is where they fail. “Angst” stories tend to revolve around some character sitting around doing nothing but think to himself about how HORRIBLE and DEPRESSING things are. Nothing happens. He just sits there. Maybe if we’re lucky he’ll go walk to the store or kill himself at the end. Either way, it’s boring as shit. This is a pitfall of moody teenagers and artsy college students who don’t know better.<br /><br />Furthermore, the end of the story should resolve both tensions in a satisfying way. It’s really preferred that the resolution is able to tie the two tensions together somehow. Say, by winning the sports game, our main character learns his own self-worth, gains the attention of his love, and earns his father’s approval. Satisfying! … Well, hopefully. That’s a pretty trite example, I know, but I came up with it off the top of my head so leave me alone.<br /><br />It doesn’t matter which tension you come up with first, I’ve certainly written enough that I have my share of stories where I came up with the acute tension first, or the chronic, or both at once. Just make sure they’re both there and accounted for by the time you call it done.Selan Pikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914020501201953571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7705741574823738978.post-72781447715626950062009-07-08T22:11:00.003-04:002009-07-08T22:18:58.495-04:00Drawling a drawingOkay listen to me, guys.<br /><br />The word is "draw". Something that has been drawn is a "drawing".<br />"Drawl", however, means something else entirely.<br />You draw a drawing, you do not "drawl" a "drawling".<br />Pronouncing it this way is one thing-- a bit annoying at times, but I'll chalk it up to accent, whatever. At least it's better than "libary". However, just five minutes ago I just saw someone on an oekaki <i>spell</i> it this way. <i>On purpose</i>.<br /><b>Do not do this.</b><br /><br />Likewise, a "drawer" is something you put things in, it is not a person.<br />A person who draws is an artist or an illustrator-- not a "drawer".Selan Pikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914020501201953571noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7705741574823738978.post-71370605090161266382009-06-08T01:00:00.002-04:002009-06-08T01:10:32.840-04:00maybespacesjuststoppedbeingcool?Look, I don't know if you got the memo or not, but spaces go after periods.<br />... what? They do!<br />And they go after exclamation points, commas and question marks too, as well as any other punctuation you can think of. <br />Leaving out those spaces makes your sentences so, so ugly and it makes everything hard to read. You don't want your work to be hard to read, do you? Because I assure you that no one will read it in that case. Or if they do, they will then proceed to flame the hell out of you for wasting their time.<br /><br />On another note, please don't put three-five spaces in between each word/sentence. This is a less common problem that I mostly see on things written by middle aged types. Please don't do it. Only use one space at a time.Selan Pikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914020501201953571noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7705741574823738978.post-12891593308848254962009-06-05T22:18:00.002-04:002009-06-05T22:31:58.518-04:00\(^o^)/*rises from the grave*<br /><br />Okay, guys, seriously, let's talk.<br />Let's talk about why you fuckers are so goddamn lazy.<br />I mean, really, what makes you think it's a good idea to insert emoticons into your prose? Do you ever see it in published novels? Of course you don't. Because it's stupid and no publisher in their right mind would give money to an author who does that shit. It's lazy! It's saying "Hey, I can't be arsed to actually describe the character's emotions, so here's a stupid little emoticon, lol! =D"<br /><br />Fuuuuuck you.<br /><br /><i>Describe</i> things. Use actual <i>words</i> to describe how your character is feeling, what their expression is, how they're using body language-- words are so much more expressive than emoticons can ever be. This is not an IM conversation, thank you, this is literature.<br />(Or... or fanfiction. Or just... eh, you know what I mean.)<br /><br />Special exception may be granted to script-format stories, unless they're actually trying to be stage/screen directions. That format generally exists to focus more on dialogue than anything else, so a lack of description really isn't that big a deal.<br /><br /><br /><br />In other news, the reason for the dead-ness of this blog is twofold: <br />One, I have been very busy with school, and two, I have no inspiration.<br /><br />So basically if I have more time or inspiration I'll post more... and that's that.<br />You guys can feel free to email me any suggestions for future rants if you'd like, especially if you've got a particularly painful fanfic for me to look at. <3<br />My email is selanp@planetxeeni.com -- so drop me a line if you've got any ideas.Selan Pikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914020501201953571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7705741574823738978.post-21912432731368796532009-03-30T18:50:00.003-04:002009-03-30T18:57:59.976-04:00MsWord = lolwut?Okay! Okay. Guys, here is a perfect example of why MsWord's grammar check is made of fail and you might as well just turn it off right now, as it will always steer you in the wrong direction.<br />So I'm writing, right, and I wrote a sentence containing the phrase "can of shaving creme". Okay? So MsWord didn't recognize that I was using "can" as a noun, which is a common mistake for it so whatever. But to amuse myself I clicked it to see what suggestions it had, and it told me to change "can" to "could".<br />Remember, please, that "can" was followed immediately by "of".<br />Thaaaat's right, folks, MsWord thinks that the phrase "could of" is grammatically correct.<br />And that is why it fails.<br /><br />Because I can't remember whether I've covered this or not, please note: the phrase people usually mean when they say "could of" is "could've", which is the contraction for "could have". "Could of" is a bastardization based on normal pronunciation and is never correct. Ever. So there.<br /><br /><font size=1>Why yes, I am actually using Word 2003, so it's entirely possible that this particular issue may not exist in newer versions; that said, it's an excellent example of why you should never trust a machine to do your proofreading for you, because issues like this will always crop up here or there.</font>Selan Pikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914020501201953571noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7705741574823738978.post-9004447034276549642009-03-24T23:54:00.005-04:002009-03-25T00:09:53.637-04:00Tua mater, fuckers.This blog isn't dead, I swear, it's just really inactive.<br />Gods, I wish I had time to sift through online writing and find things to get angry about...<br />Well ANYWAY, here's a rant.<br /><br />Basically this concerns something that happens in spoken word.<br />I keep seeing people wanting to quote Latin things in their writing, right? And that's fine, Latin is made of cool and anything you write, <i>anything</i>, sounds cool in Latin. You could say, like, <i>Non sum fatuum, tu es</i>, and that sounds cool. So that's not the complaint.<br />My complaint is that, when these people read their work out loud, they totally fail to get the pronunciation right.<br />And they sound so damn smug about it!<br />Like, "Oh, look at me, I'm so smart, I used LATIN. Listen to me! SO SMART." Except that the whole illusion is broken by the fact that they have no clue how to pronounce anything in this language.<br />Even that wouldn't be that bad normally, since it's a dead language and all. Like I said, it's the smug tone that does it. That self-satisfied look on their faces, like they really think that they're the smartest person in the room, all while butchering even a phrase as simple as <i>veni, vidi, vici</i>.<br /><br />HINT: It's pronounced wenee, weedee, weekee. Latin V's are pronounced as English W's, and C's are <i>never</i> pronounced as Ch's (they are actually always pronounced as a K).<br /><br />My school is guilty of it too. Our motto is <i>Vires, Artes, Mores</i>, and everyone always pronounces that with an English V. I think the only person on my campus I've seen pronounce Latin things right is my Classics teacher, because her main field of study is Roman stuff so she's pretty damn good with her Latin!<br />(Also I'm still trying to figure out what they mean by Vires. Is that... that's courage or something? Strength, maybe? My dictionary also says "manliness", and I know that the motto was first adopted back when the school was a women-only college. Could anyone better with Latin help me out?)<br /><br />So, look, either get the pronunciation right or stop acting so damn smug. It's all up to you.Selan Pikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914020501201953571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7705741574823738978.post-41874906462981276582009-02-25T13:04:00.004-05:002009-02-25T13:17:27.334-05:00Subject rantsI know I haven't been updating and I'm sorry about that!<br />It's just that I haven't had any ideas for posts, and haven't had time to look up bad fanfiction and stuff to get ideas. Or when I have ideas, I don't have time to write them.<br />Oh well. But here's a post!!<br /><br />So, I was in class a couple weeks back, and we got on the topic of whether all people from post-colonial countries should write about identity or colonialism. The answer that the class came up with seemed to be a resounding yes, they should, and if they don't then they're just not going to be famous.<br />Wait... what?<br />I couldn't seem to get a word in edgewise, so I'll vent my frustrations here:<br />That is the worst way to think about writing <i>EVER.</i><br /><br />First, let's look at how fucking racist that is. Basically the argument was, "If you are Indian, you must write about what it is like to be Indian". But what if an Indian author really just wants to write about love, or family, or death? "No, absolutely not!" The idea is that if they write about anything but Indian-ness, that they're somehow betraying their people and doing them a disservice.<br />Okay, so does that mean that all black authors have to write about racism or slavery?<br />Apparently so, actually, because have you heard academics talk about black authors? If they come across any black author who writes about something other than racism, you're going to hear nothing but complaints. Poor Zora Neale Hurston, how <i>dare</i> she focus on womens' rights instead of black rights!<br />(ignoring that <i>Their Eyes Were Watching God</i> did touch on the subject of race somewhat, really, it's not like academics actually <i>read</i> what they're critisizing)<br />But meanwhile white authors are free to write about any damn subject we want, but if you're in a minority then you have strictly defined subjects that you must write about, and if you don't then academia will hate and reject you.<br />... or so the argument goes.<br />That's the worst thing I've ever heard and any of you who think that this is a good way to view things needs to just grow the fuck up, honestly, it's immature.<br />If you're Indian and you want to write about what it's like to be Indian, go ahead! If you want to write about colonialism, post-colonialism, whatever, then do it. However, if you want to write about womens' issues, about love or death or space aliens, then do that. Write what you're compelled to write and nothing else. If you force out something that you really don't care that much about, it's going to be godawful, so just don't bother.<br /><br />Also, I'd like to touch on the hypocrasy of that argument as well.<br />Basically there's this whole hate going on toward genres that count as "commercial fiction", because supposedly commercial fiction writers tailor their work to match market trends and become famous and famous = bad, apparently. Okay?<br />So, then, how is it any better, in the literary fiction genre, to say, "Well, I wanted to write about death, but I'm going to write about identity instead, because it will make me more famous".<br />It's not any better. Anyone who says that it is is full of shit and you should stop listening to a damn word they say.<br /><br />End rant.Selan Pikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914020501201953571noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7705741574823738978.post-53843009804943515912009-01-02T16:51:00.000-05:002009-01-02T16:52:16.880-05:00Moving back into dorm room postDear Fanfiction.net users:<br />I don’t know what part of “ONE-SHOT” you don’t understand.<br />It’s right there in the summary, for chrissakes! ONE – SHOT. Meaning ONE CHAPTER. A short story. A story that will not be continued. Got it?!<br />This is way too common. Author writes one-shot, uploads it, makes it very clear that there will be no continuation ever, and yet gets all these people commenting saying “I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER” and adding it to their alert list.<br />Fffffff—<br />WHY<br />Short stories are still legitimate stories, okay, they have a beginning, a middle and an end and they do not by any means NEED to be continued.<br /><br />… I know that has nothing to do with writing, but god if it doesn’t drive me up the wall.Selan Pikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914020501201953571noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7705741574823738978.post-86625246135759120172008-12-31T01:04:00.001-05:002008-12-31T01:06:19.244-05:00This entry is rated S for StupidOkay. Two things that are vaguely related.<br /><br />One:<br />RANDOM VIOLENCE DOES NOT A STORY MAKE.<br />Okay?<br />I’m sick of seeing fanfics uploaded that are dedicated entirely to shoving as much blood and gore as one possibly can into little 300-word chapters. I’m tired of stories that go out of their way to kill characters just because it’s “edgy” and “dark”. I’m fucking sick of seeing mediocre summaries that end with “RATED M FOR BLOOD AND GORE!” as though they really think that’s going to get anyone to read it.<br />STOP IT GUYS.<br />What are you, ten?<br />Well, actually, you probably are ten if you’re doing that.<br />So if you’re ten and writing pointless gore stories, do us all a favor and never upload them anywhere ever. PLEASE.<br /><br />Two:<br />It irks me when I see summaries that say that the rating “may go up”. Look, if you’re doing this right then you should already have an idea of where your story is going to go. Give the story a rating based on what will happen through the entire story and NOT based on the first chapter. If the story becomes more mature or whatever and you hadn’t planned it originally, then change the rating when that’s appropriate. Just please, I don’t see the point in advertising the fact that MAAAAAYBE the rating might change! What, do you think that’s all that interesting? Funfact: it isn’t. The only purpose I can think that this might serve is to attract the attention of the aforementioned violence-craving ten-year-olds, who wouldn’t otherwise read a story with a measly K+ rating.<br />Who are you kidding? Do you really WANT those sorts of people reading your fics? You KNOW they only leave one-word reviews, if they ever review at all. Don’t try to appease them.<br />Rate according to your planned story! Change the rating if things don’t go according to plan, because gods know that these things grow a mind of their own. Don’t waste precious space on your summary fretting over the rating when you could be giving me a better idea of what your story is about instead.Selan Pikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914020501201953571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7705741574823738978.post-78801300626735607532008-12-29T02:06:00.000-05:002008-12-29T02:07:57.571-05:00Etc, etc, etc...Okay, okay, listen closely because this really drives me up the wall.<br /><br />“Ect” does not mean what you think it means.<br />Go on. Load up Dictionary.com and type in “ECT”.<br />For convenience, I’ll copypasta it here for you:<br /><br /><i><b>ECT</b> <br />abbr. electroconvulsive therapy </i><br /><br />So tell me, what exactly are you trying to say when you say things like “I went to the store and bought lettuce, crackers, ect.”?<br /><br />The abbreviation you are looking for is <b>”etc.”</b> Okay? E-T-C. Not “ect”. It’s an abbreviation, not a word, so that period there is important. I know it’s hard to pronounce on its own but honestly if you’re trying to pronounce just those three letters then you are doing it wrong.<br />It’s Latin, okay?! It’s short for “et cetera”, which means “and the rest”. You use it when you don’t feel like listing a billion things, so you just say a couple things and end the list with “etc.” Alright?<br />Can we stop saying “ect” now, please?Selan Pikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914020501201953571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7705741574823738978.post-19122179962776647882008-12-26T03:27:00.000-05:002008-12-26T03:28:31.348-05:00There's too many of them besides.Hey, hey.<br />Can we all agree to stop writing “novelizations” of games/shows/movies and then posting them on FFN?<br />Look, it’s just one more of those things that people do when they want to write a fic but have no ideas. It’s even lazier in that, for the most part, you don’t even have to write your own dialogue since it’s all there, written for you!<br />It just screams “I am a lazy fuck who would rather tell you a story you already know than try to be original”.<br />So stop it already.Selan Pikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914020501201953571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7705741574823738978.post-48075693360934580072008-12-24T01:20:00.001-05:002008-12-24T01:20:49.644-05:00Christmastime ranting, ho ho ho~Look here, guys, this is called a <i>fourth wall</i>.<br />It’s invisible! To us, anyway. It’s the wall through which we are able to see into the characters’ world. The characters in a story, by contrast, <i>can</i> see the fourth wall, and therefore cannot see us as we watch them.<br />Can the fourth wall be broken or removed altogether? Yes. Should it be taken lightly? No.<br />Fourth-wall breaking is reserved for comedy. Characters in a serious drama probably should not acknowledge the reader unless they are a narrator, and even then they shouldn’t acknowledge the fact that they’re fictional, in a fanfic, what have you.<br />Also, it’s really not okay to go on for several chapters with no fourth-wall breaking, then suddenly break it only to say “This is what other fanfic writers do in their fics, but I’m doing this other thing because I’m different” or to say something about how you know what’s going to happen next but the reader doesn’t and you’re not telling, hee hee hee.<br />Seriously, SERIOUSLY?<br />Not only have you just reminded me that your story is a fanfic and therefore smashed my suspense of disbelief in a spectacular fashion, but you also proved to me that you have NO FAITH in me, the reader, to acknowledge that what you’ve just done is slightly original.<br />FUCK YOU.<br />Guys, don’t do this! God, I’m so pissed I am half-tempted to just post a link to the offending fic… ugh… but that’s petty. Just, please, guys, don’t do this.Selan Pikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914020501201953571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7705741574823738978.post-49180552965303279112008-12-22T13:19:00.002-05:002008-12-22T23:26:44.985-05:00Also stop posting each chapter as a separate story, it's dumb.Some tidbits for those of you posting on Fanfiction.net:<br /><br />- If your story’s summary is misspelled and incoherent, I will not read it. After all, the story proper probably won’t be much better.<br /><br />- If you threaten not to post any new chapters until you get reviews, I will not review. This is so immature it hurts. Art shouldn’t be about getting attention. Granted, fanfiction isn’t exactly high art (whatever that may be), but in the end you should always be writing for yourself. Attention is nice, but if it’s all you’re thinking about then there is something wrong.<br /><br />- If, in the summary, you only say “This is my first/second/fiftieth story” and don’t tell me what the story is about, I will not read it. If you can’t be bothered to use the summary feature to actually give me a summary, then what can I really expect from you?<br /><br />- If your story is a fanfic but your summary mentions all OCs and no canon characters, I will not read it. I’m here to read fanfiction, not original fiction with Goombas in it.<br /><br />- If your story’s title steals a title or lyric from Evanescence or Linkin Park I will not read it. I don’t really care about using song lyrics as titles otherwise, since I do it too because coming up with titles is hard. But I promise you that if you use anything from those two bands, (a) you probably have the same title as about a hundred other fics and (b) statistically speaking, fics that use lyrics or titles from those two bands are godawful and therefore not worth reading. To date I’ve only found maybe one or two exceptions to this out of hundreds that I’ve seen.<br /><br />- As a corollary to the previous, you absolutely must NOT title any story “My Immortal”.<br /><br />- If your story is a fanfic and your summary starts with “A new girl comes to…”, I will not read it. Unless the new girl is a canon character, then I might. But that rarely seems to be the case.<br /><br />- Saying, over and over, “NO FLAMES PLZ” makes me want to flame you so badly it hurts. Here’s an idea: stop caring so damn much. And like I’ve said in a previous post, a lot of what some kids call “flames” is actually constructive criticism. Get over yourself. If you put your work on the internet, you will attract both good and bad attention. This is normal and should be expected. Live with it.<br /><br />That will be all.Selan Pikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914020501201953571noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7705741574823738978.post-34847886035975145272008-12-19T00:39:00.000-05:002008-12-19T00:40:56.073-05:00But Lufia 1 is still awesome, I don't care.Hey guys hey guys<br />Guess what?<br />Amnesia has been done to death!<br />No really.<br /><br />I’m no scientist, so if you want any real information I recommend you start at <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amnesia">this wiki page</a> and continue from there.<br />What I’m here to say is that amnesia is NOT that common, most people do NOT know how to write it accurately, and honestly I’m sick of it. It’s just a cheap device that people only use because, you know, it was on sale and they would’ve had to drive to that other store to buy a better plot device anyway.<br /><br />So, for the love of God, please just stop with the amnesia.Selan Pikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914020501201953571noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7705741574823738978.post-9250895925425843572008-12-17T00:29:00.001-05:002008-12-17T00:31:34.699-05:00I'm too lazy to think of a title though, hahaha.Ugh… two minutes doing research on FFN and already I want to <i>kill, kill…</i><br /><br />Okay, what the fuck is you guys’ problem, you are all so lazy, what the fuck.<br />I keep clicking on fics where, say, you’re introducing an OC, whatever, and instead of describing her in the story and letting us get to know her gradually, you just give us, at the beginning before the story even starts, her name, age, history, social security… what have you.<br />I just skip this, and so will most of your other readers.<br />THIS IS NOT HOW YOU INTRODUCE CHARACTERS.<br />You just jump in the story, introduce them when it’s appropriate, and slowly sneak in the important information. I know it takes more effort, yes. I know it can sometimes be hard. But when you do things like this lazily, we WILL notice.<br />Same with settings. I keep seeing fics that do a scene break and, right up, say “SCENE: SCHOOL, NIGHT”<br /><br />No! No no no!<br />Do your scene break! Put your dashes or apostrophes or whatever! But don’t give us any more information—just jump into the scene! DESCRIBE the location, the time of day, what have you, so we can visualize it beyond what two vague words gives us. Okay? Can we agree to do this, please?Selan Pikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914020501201953571noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7705741574823738978.post-13473563685609448502008-12-15T00:11:00.001-05:002008-12-15T00:15:18.993-05:00Couplets wutGuys guys you are not fit to write poetry, all of you!<br /><br />Ugh…<br />Fanfiction poetry is the worst, because people actually read that shit, but the same problems are in regular poetry too.<br />Let’s make this simple, okay?!<br />YOU ARE MISUSING THE AABB RHYME SCHEME.<br />Look, look, that rhyming scheme is called a <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clerihew">Clerihew</a> and it is for comedy. Okay? So when I see things like<br />“<i>I stand out in the rain<br />thinking about all this pain<br />why does this happen to me<br />I hang the noose on a tree”</i><br /><br />I just sit there waiting for a punchline.<br /><br />I know that it’s not always for comedy (Couplets, which are similar, were used by Chaucer after all…) but mostly it is. Especially the aa-bb-a scheme, which is for LIMERICKS, okay, get it right.<br />On another note, angsty poetry is annoying anyway. NO ONE WANTS TO READ IT. Get over yourself, learn that everyone has hormones, your parents are not evil for forbidding you from wearing black lipstick, and focus on much better topics.<br />Also, dammit, if you’re going to rhyme, you need to understand rhythm too. Oh, and flow. And what actually constitutes a rhyme anyway.<br />Fuck.<br />And yes, poetry doesn’t have to rhyme. No, that doesn’t mean you can write any bullshit and call it poetry.<br /><br />It’s sad that I can find these mistakes since I’m not even a poetry person. Do I ever write poetry? Nope! How do I know this stuff and you so-called poets don’t? Jeez!<br />Maybe there needs to be a “no poetry until after puberty” rule.<br /><br />Sheesh.Selan Pikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914020501201953571noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7705741574823738978.post-63179397466917872122008-12-07T21:39:00.003-05:002008-12-07T21:45:02.362-05:00Emo postUguuu, I know, I haven't updated in forever.<br />Basically, school's eaten my life. I've barely had time for anything I want to do. Even <a href="http://evilftw.livejournal.com">EvilFTW</a> has been put on the back burner, which makes me sad because it's my <i>baby</i> TToTT<br />Well, whining aside, this coming week is exams week and then after that is Christmas break. Once I'm on break I'm gonna go read some fanfiction, get myself good and angry, and then start writing new posts.<br /><br />In the meantime, here's a very small rant:<br /><br />Stop putting dialogue in block quotes! Really, <i>really</i>, why?! THAT IS NOT WHAT BLOCK QUOTES ARE FOR. Stop it! It's dumb and bad.Selan Pikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914020501201953571noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7705741574823738978.post-12837984020730581342008-10-17T01:50:00.000-04:002008-10-17T01:51:37.478-04:00Dialogue post #2Let’s continue talking about dialogue, shall we?<br />This time, let’s focus on dialogue tags.<br /><br />Dialogue tags are those little things that we put outside the dialogue to indicate who is speaking. They are things like “he said” and “she asked”.<br />They, like dialogue itself, are tricky!<br /><br />I think middle school teachers everywhere have fucked us up.<br />It seems like every middle school teacher, at some point in time, tells their students that the word “said” is <i>not okay</i>. They tell us to use words like “exclaimed”, “pouted”, “shouted”, “murmured”, “cried”, “ejaculated” and… ugh, let’s just back up, okay?<br />Let me tell you <i>right now</i> that the word “said” is okay to overuse. I swear to you with every fiber of my being that it’s okay! Your middle school Language Arts teacher was a filthy liar. That poster she put on the wall was wrong. It’s okay. Use “said” to your heart’s content.<br />Alternative dialogue tags are okay too, but only in moderation. It’s sort of like salt. You put a little in your food and it tastes great, but a lot tastes godawful and shit, shit, I’m so thirsty, my vision’s dimming, oh god, I see a light…<br />I’m not exaggerating.<br />Dialogue tags need to be transparent. Actually, <i>all</i> prose needs to be transparent, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Basically, they need to be there, they need to carry out their designated function, but the reader shouldn’t trip over them. The reader should be imagining in their head what’s going on, and not the words that are actually written on the page.<br />So “said” is okay. It’s also okay to exclude a tag entirely, provided it’s clear who’s talking. Just please don’t give me a million alternative tags.<br /><br />Conversely, action tags are fucking brilliant! Granted, they can be overused or misused too, but they’re wonderful because they really prevent your scene from turning into just a bunch of talking heads. Insert a description of an action before, after, or in between dialogue. Let me illustrate. Let’s start with this:<br /><br /><i>”I’m not a hermit,” Tavvy said.<br /><br />“Sure you are,” Cath said, “This is the first time I’ve gotten you to go out in weeks.”<br /><br />“I’ve just been busy.”<br /><br />“Yeah. Busy being a hermit.”</i><br /><br />It’s fine, sure, but a little boring. Now let’s try this:<br /><br /><i>”I’m not a hermit,” Tavvy said, stirring his soup.<br /><br />“Sure you are,” Cath said, “This is the first time I’ve gotten you to go out in weeks.”<br /><br />Tavvy looked off to his side. “I’ve just been busy.”<br /><br />“Yeah,” Cath rolled his eyes, “Busy being a hermit.”</i><br /><br />See the difference? Instead of just hearing their voices, we’re imagining the whole character, moving and breathing. But notice that I did leave one “he said” in there, because overuse of action, like I said, can also be bad.<br /><br />Overuse of anything, really, is bad.<br />Moderation is the key to writing, guys.<br /><br />…<br /><br />Oh, and things like “he said [insert something here]ly” make me want to <i>kill you all</i><br />-ly adverbs are horrible and bad and goddammit, just because “Just-Kidding” Rowling uses them <i>does not make them okay!</i><br />But that’s a rant for another day.Selan Pikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914020501201953571noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7705741574823738978.post-62788458098420009192008-10-15T17:57:00.000-04:002008-10-15T17:59:35.392-04:00Dialogue post #1Let’s talk about dialogue!<br /><br />Dialogue is <i>tricky</i>.<br /><br />The first thing that you need to understand is that your characters need to talk like <i>actual human beings</i>. Most people—and this is important, so listen—Most people use contractions in their speech. Most people use some sort of slang in their speech. Most people do not sound like <i>robots</i>.<br />So don’t write something like this:<br /><br /><i>”There is not a goose in that room that is over there,” she said, “I am serious for sure.”</i><br /><br />Here are some ways you can write that line more naturally:<br /><br /><i>”There isn’t a goose in that room there,” she said, “I’m serious for sure.”<br /><br />“There’s not a goose in that room,” she said, “I’m sure.”<br /><br />“There isn’t a goose in that room over there, dammit,” she said, “I’m so serious motherfucker.”</i><br /><br />And so on.<br />Of course it will vary depending on the character, and if you want to emphasize that a person is very awkward or robot-like, removing contractions works. Fawful doesn’t use contractions, for example… but then again, there are a lot of things weird about his dialogue.<br /><br />Look, the thing here is that you need to listen to <i>yourself</i> talking. Say a line out loud. Sometimes I’ll hear people reading their writing out loud, and where in the text they used a “it is” or “I am”, out loud they say “it’s” or “I’m” because it was too awkward. If they realize this well enough to read it like that, why can’t they just <i>write</i> it like that?<br /><br />Another tip is to listen to <i>other people</i> talking. It’s so strange, sometimes you can talk to dozens of people every day, people who talk in wildly different ways, but not actually notice <i>how</i> they’re speaking. So concentrate a little more, when you’re with your friends, on what they say to you and how they say it. And, as weird as this sounds, listen to strangers. Eavesdrop. Note their word choice, sentence structure, etc. Listen to people of different occupations, backgrounds. Compare an English professor to a redneck. Compare a college student to a grandma. People talk in lots of different ways, and it helps to understand those different dialects.Selan Pikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914020501201953571noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7705741574823738978.post-28599309418128006242008-10-13T17:52:00.000-04:002008-10-13T17:53:12.144-04:00"insert something witty here"Guys, guys, guys.<br />I don’t know why you people can’t understand quotation marks.<br />Look, guys, quotation marks are <i>not</i> a replacement for punctuation. I do not ever want to see dialogue that looks like,<br /><br /><i>“do you have any idea what you were doing” He said</i><br /><br />Furthermore, the normal rules of apostrophe and comma use, as well as capitalization, <i>all</i> still apply. The rules of grammar do <i>not</i> magically all turn off inside of quotation marks.<br /><br />Punctuation at the end of the quote applies as explained <a href="http://grammarwtf.blogspot.com/2008/10/controversy-post.html">in this post</a>, but in dialogue everything should go inside the quotes anyway. At the end of a sentence that ends with a period and ALSO ends the quote, a comma should be used instead of the period. The subsequent word outside the quote, then, should not be capitalized unless it’s a proper noun.<br />Examples:<br /><br /><i>”I’m gonna go rob that bank! It’ll be great,” she said.<br /><br />“Well that’s all well and good, but where’s your escape car?” he asked.<br /><br />“Escape car?” she scratched her head, “What would I need with that?”</i><br /><br />You see what I did there? Proper capitalization and punctuation.<br /><br />Get it right!Selan Pikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914020501201953571noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7705741574823738978.post-5159354043966930702008-10-10T15:47:00.000-04:002008-10-10T15:48:48.927-04:00LA LA LA~Songfics can go suck it.<br /><br />No, seriously.<br /><br />Firstoff, I’m going to point out that on a lot of websites, it’s technically against the rules to post songfics. Fanfiction.net doesn’t allow it, for instance. I mean, yeah, I know some of FFN’s rules are kind of arbitrary. Their rules against script format, for example, are retarded (people posting their RP logs ruined it for all of us, I think). But this one is serious, okay. I keep seeing them get posted and no one bothers to report them, what the <i>fuck</i>.<br />Do you people really think songfics are that good? Do you? Here’s a bombshell for you: <i>they really aren’t.</i><br /><br />Songfics, for the uninitiated, are a fanfic with song lyrics thrown in for whatever reason. Sometimes a character is listening to a song and that song is just SO RELEVANT that the lyrics MUST be transcribed for all of us. Sometimes there’s no music in the scene proper, but the song is SO FITTING that the lyrics must be superimposed on the story. Sometimes the author just wishes he/she were making a music video. Whatever the case, this needs to stop.<br /><br />Here’s a fact: Every good songfic I’ve ever seen was 100% better if I just took the song lyrics out.<br />It’s true!<br />There’s no harm in being inspired by your favorite music! No one will begrudge you for that. But do you really need to include the lyrics? Really?<br />Here’s a nice, ordered list of reasons why songfics are a bad idea:<br /><br />- Reading lyrics to a song without the music can be kind of boring.<br />- A lot of songs actually don’t have very good lyrics and only seem great because the music carries a lot of the weight that the lyrics do not. Presenting only the lyrics can present the song in a bad light and also make you look like a loser for thinking that those lyrics are so amazing.<br />- You risk alienating readers who might not like that band, haven’t heard of that song, etc.<br />- You’re breaking the law. Songfics constitute plagiarism. Why do you think FFN forbids the posting of them, hmm??<br />- Writing a songfic for Linkin Park or Evanescence instantly makes you a tool. (Therefore, my middle school self is a tool. Ahahaha.) I mean, jeez, there are so many out there already, how could anyone think that the world needs more of these?<br />- You’re being really unoriginal, using someone else’s work to pad your own.<br />- Switching back and forth between poetry and prose so often can break suspension of disbelief.<br /><br />So cut it out already.<br /><br />ALSO!! It makes me so sad when I’m reading a chaptered fic and then there’s that obligatory SONGFIC CHAPTER.<br />Go die, songfic chapter.<br />Go die, songfics in general.Selan Pikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914020501201953571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7705741574823738978.post-13883528437024315582008-10-08T18:09:00.001-04:002008-10-08T18:12:48.735-04:00*draws a line in the sand*Guys!<br />Guys seriously.<br />There is a <i>line.</i><br />It exists. It’s right there, look, see it? I put up a sign and everything.<br />Don’t fucking cross it.<br /><br />Look, I know, writing is art, and art is about breaking the rules. I live by that knowledge. But that doesn’t mean that those rules aren’t there for a reason!<br />The fact is that rules exist because, most of the time, when people break them their story comes out sounding like shit. It’s true. Some people know how to break the rules effectively, but this is not a skill everyone has. So here’s the breakdown: when you’re new to writing, FOLLOW THE RULES. Stay within the boundaries. It’s still possible to write a great, amazing story without breaking a single rule of narrative, grammar, what have you. Learn why those rules exist and what effect breaking them might have. Once you’ve honed your craft, <i>then</i> feel free to take a few tentative steps outside the box. Play around a little, ask for feedback, see how things go. Write more, using what you’ve just learned. After you’ve gotten good enough with THAT, then feel free to do whatever.<br />Please note that it will probably take you years to reach that final level. This is normal. Writing is very much about patience and perseverance, and if you’re just so impatient that you have to go around saying “fuck you” to the rules of the English language RIGHT NOW, then you’re probably not cut out for writing.<br /><br />That line over there is there to help you. See that sign under it? Can you read it out loud for me? Yes, it says “beware the panther”. Stepping beyond that line without knowledge of how to handle that panther will only ensure that you get eaten alive.Selan Pikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914020501201953571noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7705741574823738978.post-63688717063196576902008-10-06T00:35:00.001-04:002008-10-06T00:36:38.386-04:00STFU.Hey guys let’s talk about keeping your fucking opinionated asses out of your characters’ mouths.<br /><br />Let me elaborate:<br /><br />Firstoff, I’m sick of characters listening to Linkin Park and Evanescence in stories. I’m doubly sick of <i>Kuki fucking Sanban</i> listening to them. Look, guys, I know you like those bands, I know sometimes you like a band so much that you just have to project that love onto other characters. But you need to cut it the fuck out, okay?! The fact is that not everyone likes those bands and, if you’re writing fanfiction, even the people who do might not agree that that character would like that band. Overall, you run a very high risk of either angering or alienating your reader which, I shouldn’t have to point out, is <i>bad</i>.<br />So stop. Usually, if music is to be addressed, it’s better to just speak in broad strokes, saying that a character likes this or that genre, or perhaps you can create some made-up bands for them to like. It <i>is</i> possible to get away with naming actual bands sometimes, but you better have a <i>damn</i> good reason for it.<br /><br />Second, please keep your fucking politics to your uninformed self. I swear to God, I don’t want to hear Dib ranting about President Bush (the fact that <i>Invader Zim</i> takes place in the future also makes this an anachronism). I agree that if a character exists in the same world we do he might want to make a comment or joke about current politics, whatever, it works. But too often, things just get preachy and then they’ve lost me entirely. This has happened too many times in otherwise good stories. I remember this one fic, oh gods guys this fic was <i>amazing</i>, and it would have been perfect if not for ONE chapter where one of the characters went on this long-ass political rant that was so out of place it <i>hurt</i>. And then they went and did battle with a giant fire-lady and the whole political discussion was quickly forgotten. What the FUCK, guys. Even when I agree with everything they’ve said, I still get this urge to punch the author in the face.<br /><br />Seriously, every author needs to learn to put their own opinions aside and think about what the <i>character</i> would say, what the <i>character</i> would like, and whether those opinions really even need to be expressed at all.Selan Pikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914020501201953571noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7705741574823738978.post-86706261894632674522008-10-03T18:51:00.000-04:002008-10-03T18:53:11.188-04:00SERIOUSLY GUYS.AAAAGHHH fuck.<br /><br />Guys… guys.<br />Stop it with the passive verb phrases SERIOUSLY it’s pissing me off.<br />Just… just go die, all you passive verb people.<br /><br />For you people who are fortunate (or ignorant) enough to not know what I’m going on about, let me explain.<br />A normal verb phrase would be something like “I shot the laser gun”.<br />A passive verb phrase is more like “The laser gun was shot by me”.<br />…<br /><br />AGHHHH.<br />Why—WHY do you people think this is a good way of writing things? Who talks like that, really?!<br />God! The only reason why anyone writes like this is because they’re trying altogether too hard to sound smarter than they are.<br /><br />IT’S OKAY, GUYS, we don’t think you’re stupid, you don’t have to impress us!<br /><br />Besides my angry ranting and on a more practical note, passive verb phrases make everything sound as though they’re being narrated by someone who isn’t quite <i>there</i>. It slows down action and makes the entire piece feel sluggish and… is murky a good word to use here? That’s a word that comes to mind.<br /><br />So stop it, guys, I’m so serious.Selan Pikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914020501201953571noreply@blogger.com2